So, I know I didn’t do a formal, or even semi-formal, thank you, but I feel I’ve been neglectful toward my followers in that sense. With that being said: thank you. To all of you who commented on and liked my post “Possible Hiatus,” to all of you who reached out to me on Twitter and gave me words of strength and said if I ever needed to talk to anyone, you’d lend me your ears. While I didn’t reach out other than to say thank you and write said post, please know that I truly thought about reaching out to those that said they’d listen.
When my friend passed away I was destroyed mentally and emotionally. And you, the people I actually have begun referring to as my WordPress family (if you find that odd I’m sorry, I refer to people as family quite often when I feel they’d be there for me), gave me words of encouragement–words that said I should take all the time I need to grieve and let my emotions flow and take the time I need to heal the wound left by my friend’s passing.
And I can not thank you all enough for that. I truly can not do that. Your support a few weeks ago when I learned of his passing and when I posted about taking that hiatus meant the world to me.
I will admit, though, that for the entire week between his death and the funeral, I didn’t sleep more than four hours per night. I got a total of twenty hours in seven days, and then I crashed. It was an extremely emotional time for me, and I’m glad I had your support through it all. While I had support in my physical life (you know, people I actually 100% know and have seen and been friends with and care about), they saw how I was doing, and said they’d be there for me like you all would. But, that connection seemed a little different, a little less wholesome if that makes any sense at all. There were only a few people (roommates, my mom, an ex-girlfriend that my late friend and I both knew when I was dating her–and yes, we actually get along and have a healthy relationship–and most of all, my brother and I were together through it).
That was it: five people, and then all of you… You outnumbered the physical people in my life in offering me strength, ears to listen, and kind words on wordpress and twitter, and I love you all for that. You made it easier for me, and I knew that if I ever needed to talk to someone one of you would be there for me if nobody else was.
While I’ve come to terms with his death, and the loss is healing, I’ve still had moments when I break down. Yesterday, actually (or two days ago now?), I was with my mom and we began talking about Cole (my friend), I played one of his favorite songs (my favorite version of it, actually), and I lost it… I lost it much like I did when a different version of this song played at his funeral and I was sitting in that front row, right near the casket next to my twin brother and Cole’s three brothers. I was getting the hair out of my face because a single strand kept poking me in the freaking eye, and I completely lost it. I started to sob and put my face in my hands, and my mom said, “Oh, honey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry!” And I know she didn’t, she truly didn’t. However! However…my tears didn’t last long because I remembered the words I received on WordPress, and the DMs I got on Twitter, and the support you all gave me when I needed it the most.
So, one last time: thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
P.S.–this is the song I referred to above: here (if you’ve finished Assassin’s Creed 4: Black Flag you might recognize the song)